The Grieving Mother’s Story

The Community Pregnancy Center is so blessed to host pregnancy test appointments in the evenings. Last Monday night, our client advocate sat down with a young woman to ask our procedural questions before she gave the pregnancy test. This client was an engaged 20 year old, and a mom to one toddler. She lived with her fiancé.  They were planning to get married after her pregnancy, but these plans were not revolving around her current possible pregnancy. Her story began 2 years before.

After their daughter was born, the couple conceived again. Surprised by the news, they both chose LIFE for this new baby. They hoped. They made plans. Just a few weeks later, however, she miscarried. The grief of the death came just as quickly as the excitement for the LIFE.

They wanted a baby deeply after their loss, and they were blessed soon after. They conceived! Again, they hoped. Again, they made plans. The weeks passed, and she reached her second trimester! “Approximately 1 in 3-4 known pregnancies are lost within the firsttrimester due to miscarriage”, so when our client reached 13 weeks, she trusted that she was safe from the pain of that loss. At 17 weeks into her pregnancy, however, she miscarried. For the second time, they grieved yet another death.

Trying to fill the aching gap in their hearts, the couple focused on having another baby. They conceived again. Against their instincts, they both hoped again. They both made plans again. Surely this was their chance. Surely this pregnancy would carry to term and erase the pain of the past year. They reached the second trimester seemingly without a problem. They reached 17 weeks, surpassing the age of the previous pregnancy. At 20 weeks-halfway through a full-term pregnancy-she suffered salmonella poisoning, which devastatingly resulted in an early labor. She delivered a stillborn baby girl.

Now she sat in the Community Pregnancy Center, scared to even look at her pregnancy test: positive. Of course, she wanted this baby, but she was terrified. After 2 years full of loss, she was too scared to hope, too scared to make plans. Those in her family and those in the church attacked her with accusations:

“How can you take care of a baby when you can’t even take care of yourself?”

“You’re losing your babies, because of the sin in your life.”

                She sunk so deep into her grief that she began to believe these hurtful opinions as truth. She blamed herself for the miscarriages. Maybe this was her fault. Maybe this was a punishment. Maybe God was mad at her. When asked about God, the client told our client advocate,

“God doesn’t love me, because He gave me my miscarriages.”

                After sharing with her the hope in Christ and after praying over her, the client advocate sensed a wall. The client was too insistent on blaming herself that night after seeing the pregnancy test to accept any stories about God. The client advocate scheduled the young woman for a limited ultrasound by our trained technicians for the following Thursday evening.

                The client arrived half an hour early, anxiously waiting to see her baby on the screen. Finally, the ultrasound technician welcomed the client to her appointment, and together they saw a perfectly formed 7 week old baby. The client cried, thankful and fearful at the sight. Two of our ultrasound technicians then talked with her in our counseling room about moving forward. The client unloaded the weight of her burden: miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage, hurtful words by others, raising a young daughter through the pain, and all the while blaming herself for every loss. She sobbed, staring at her ultrasound’s pictures. Our new ultrasound technician, Claire, spoke directly to the deeper issue.

“How is your relationship with God?”

                The client stopped. She knew the answer. She prayed “the prayer” at 13 years old, but it was a temporary phase. She said that she knew she was sinning by sleeping with her fiancé and living with him outside of marriage. She knew she had rejected church. She knew she was lacking something, but when our technician asked if she wanted to accept God and claim peace, she said, “Not today.”

                Knowing this was a divine opportunity, knowing the devil was keeping this client in dangerous limbo, our technician, Mikelle, shared her own salvation testimony, unpacking the Gospel. God’s heart is so fiercely passionate for her that without hesitation, He sent His own perfect, beloved, sinless Son to die her rightful death, so that she could freely run to Him. She didn’t have to hold her own burden. She didn’t have to accept loss as her fault. She didn’t have to blame herself for 3 miscarriages. The world is so broken and fallen, but God’s grace will always reach mountains and valleys and oceans farther. Hurtful words are still said, but His promises speak louder. Tears still fall, but His love rises higher.  Miscarriages are still suffered, but His hope is and will always be offered with arms wide open.

                Our ultrasound technician explained that this peace-this consuming, lasting peace-is available. This client didn’t have to live in her sin, live in her fear, and live in her self-declared guilt. She could accept Christ Jesus as her permanent Savior and run straight into the life He’s planned especially for her.

“I would like to do that!”

                The client humbly prayed to her Creator, the relentless Lover of her soul, and claimed salvation! Her entire countenance lifted. A calmness filled her. She left with hope, because Christ-the Prince of Peace Himself-still reigns!

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

                                                                                John 16:33

The Fearful Christian's Story

One of our newest client advocates sat down in the counseling room with a new 26 year old client. This woman’s general information revealed that she was already “undecided” about the issue of abortion. She slowly began the devastating story that brought her to us. Though this was her FIRST time at The Community Pregnancy Center, she wasn’t a teenager who wanted to keep the pregnancy hidden from her parents. She wasn’t uneducated or even confused about how this could have happened. She was a lonely, fearful Christian, so far away from her Father’s arms.

            She was unemployed, living with her brother and her children. She was a mom to two kids from two different fathers. She was just 17 years old when she admitted that she was pregnant to her FIRST boyfriend. He didn’t hesitate in his response; he ran. The father of her second child followed this example, leaving her alone with two kids.

            After the rejection from these two men, she sought love with others. Again, she saw 2 more positive pregnancy tests. Before she could announce the news, however, these pregnancies ended, resulting in her FIRST and second miscarriage. Her pursuit for love desperately continued. Just 5 months ago, she surrendered herself to another man. Like the many before him, he left her when she admitted that she was again pregnant. She was alone. She was scared. She was seemingly out of options, so she called the abortion clinic for the FIRST time in her life. A few days later, she had a suction aspiration abortion at 8 weeks pregnant. Her boyfriend soon returned in relief at her decision.

            Now, she sat in our counseling room. The test read positive. She was pregnant again by the same man who left her a few months ago for this very reason. How could she endure another man leaving? How could she endure another abortion? How could she endure another miscarriage? How could she possibly carry another pregnancy in this situation?

            Feeling led by the Holy Spirit, the client advocate entered into the deeper issue behind all these questions by FIRST asking, “Are you a Christian?” The client quietly answered that yes, she was. “Do you feel secure about going to Heaven?” The young woman stopped, really thinking before she answered, “Well, not really. I’ve done so many bad things.” The counselor compassionately shared the good news of the Gospel!

            Heaven is not and will never be dependent on the good deeds we do or don’t do for God. It’s not based on how many times we turn away from God. It’s not about what we do at all, because it’s solely based on what Christ Jesus did, and what he did is DONE. He has permanently solidified our place with God. By accepting this gift, our hearts are claimed by the King of all Kings and changed by His gracious hands.

He loved this client before her FIRST abortion. He loved her before the FIRST pregnancy test. He loved her before the FIRST man left her. He loved her FIRST, and His love has remained unmoved, no matter how far she has drifted away. Our client advocate explained this love, and assured this wandering, fearful Christian that God’s not mad at her. He pursues her. He loves her. He’s ready to forgive and welcome her safely home.

She prayed and settled her salvation!

She chose LIFE for her baby by choosing adoption!

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us.”

1John 4:18-19

The Prisoner's Story

Last Wednesday, our afternoon client advocate waited for her 3 o’clock appointment. Finally the door opened, and the woman calmly filled out her paperwork. She reached the final blank, a question asking for her opinion on abortion as an option. The new client checked “undecided”, and returned her forms to the front desk. After preparing and praying, our client advocate led the woman into the second counseling room, introduced herself, and closed the door. Covered in tattoos, this 27 year old woman unloaded her story, a story which began when she was a new teenager.

                At 14 years old, our client gave birth to her first child, the first of 8 total pregnancies. With this first boyfriend, she shared 6 children. Despite their years together, he never married her. Soon after the birth of their youngest child, our client was arrested and imprisoned for drugs. Through this revelation, she lost her family. Her first love-the father of her children-left her and won sole custody. With no one waiting for her release, our client served her time in prison for four and a half years.

                When she finally left her prison cell, she rekindled a former friendship with another man, who also was recently discharged after a 10 year prison sentence. They quickly surrendered to a sexual relationship. Just 3 months after her prison release, she discovered she was pregnant with his baby. Both her and her new boyfriend sank into disbelief. They were unemployed with looming criminal records, yet now they were going to be parents? No, she couldn’t do that to a child. Adoption was out of the question. She would rather her unborn child die than hand him over to new parents. The choice was clear. In August, with the support of her boyfriend, she had an abortion.

                Now, just a few months later, she was in the same position of a possible pregnancy with the same reasons for an abortion as before. Nothing had changed, except now she was looking for hope. Instead of driving to Planned Parenthood for her answer, she waited. God directed her to the Community Pregnancy Center on a Wednesday afternoon for a pregnancy test appointment.

Sensing the loneliness in the woman before her, our client advocate asked about a relationship with God. The client admitted to a Catholic background, but her fears about God were simple: “I’m too bad to go to Heaven.” The free sex. The pregnancy at 14. The drugs. The prison sentence. The loss of her children. The abortion. She had done “too much”. She had made too many wrong decisions to deserve Heaven. Heaven was for people who got married and went to church and gave money to the poor. It wasn’t for people like her. How could it be? She was “too bad” for God.

                Our client advocate stepped forward into this divine opportunity, explaining the glory and hope of God’s grace. Regardless of this pregnancy test’s result , this client was “too bad”, yet so was the client advocate, so was the executive director, so am I. All of humanity-past, present, and future-ALL fall short of deserving God. We could never make enough right choices, go to enough church services, or give enough money to the poor to ever rightfully earn a relationship with God, but our Merciful Creator intervened anyway! Only through the death of His perfect Son could the churched and the unchurched, the serving and the selfish, the good and the bad be made whole. He accepted the full weight of sin’s punishment, so that this woman in October 2013 could have the option of redemption.

The pregnancy test read positive.

The Client Advocate scheduled an ultrasound.

                A week later, the client returned, and saw a perfectly formed, healthy 8 week old baby.  She was still unemployed. Her jail time didn’t disappear. Her reasons for an abortion just 2 months ago were still prevalent, but as she saw the baby squirming around on the ultrasound’s screen, she smiled. Her circumstances were the same, but it didn’t matter. Of course, to her, it may have been the counseling, or it may have been the ultrasound, but neither could have made such an impact. Her loving King, refusing to quit, pursued, softened, and changed the heart of His treasured creation.

She chose LIFE!

 “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

Romans 3:23-24

The Wiccan's Story

                Appointments like the one on Monday morning prove that The Community Pregnancy Center is not just a facility with free pregnancy tests. We’re not just client advocates. We’re not just ultrasounds or pregnancy classes. Monday’s appointment reminded us all that we are a facility with eternal hope. We’re vessels, individually used in the Potter’s hands. We’re the outstretched arms of God to the young girls in this community.

                Monday morning, our client advocate called the waiting teenager into her counseling room. They sat together as the client advocate received the basic information. The client was just 18 years old, freshly graduated with her high school diploma. The father of the possible pregnancy was 9 years older than her. After dating 8 months, he proposed marriage. They were engaged just 3 weeks on Monday. This pregnancy, if validated, would not be unwanted. The couple hoped for children together. This was according to their plan. She only came to our center in the first place to receive that confirmation.

She may have wanted a pregnancy test,

but God wanted a lost soul.

                When the client advocate asked the teenager about her relationship with God, she replied, “Well, I believe in a Supreme! But God is just one of my gods.” Exploring that statement, the client advocate learned that this young girl was a Wiccan. The teenager then elaborated on her beliefs, telling the counselor of the magic of WICCA. Calmly, the counselor asked her second question to fully grasp the extent of this belief: “Where do you believe you’ll go when you die?”

“I’ll become a tree.”

                The religion of WICCA is a modern deviation from the witchcraft belief, sometimes referenced synonymously. Like their predecessors, Wiccans believe in strong, dark magic. They believe in an inner harmony. Though the religion typically worships both a god and a goddess, they also honor a host of others. The moon, stars, and fate are all spun together as core belief structures, along with reincarnation. Because the religion incorporates a multitude of convictions and also because many in the “traditions” separate themselves into individual categories, Wiccans are a highly varied, highly lost people with no lasting hope. This is who sat in our counseling room, wholly convinced that the only peak in her future was transforming into a tree among a forest.

                Our client advocate, filled with words directly from God Himself, spoke holy truth into this teenager. She introduced the confused beliefs to a righteous Savior. She explained a Heavenly Father, so passionate for the lost world, so passionate for this teen's lost soul, that He willingly sent His perfect Son out from the throne of Heaven to die her death on a cross. Because of that death, because of His love, because of His fervent pursuit, she now has the opportunity to be whole. It's not elusive. It’s not mystical. It's forgiving, filling, and powerful enough to rebuild even the darkest soul. It’s an everlasting relationship with her Creator, the one and only King of the universe. The broken ideas of magic collided with the redeeming message of Christ Jesus. The Holy Spirit almost tangibly filled the room.

The teen prayed and accepted Christ into her life!

“He’s in my heart now! I know He is!”

The pregnancy test read positive.

“Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.”
Acts 4:12

The 12 Year Old's Story

                When the woman called to make an appointment for the Community Pregnancy Center, I thought nothing of it. She said it was for her granddaughter, so I knew the client was probably under 25. When she said that the girl didn’t have a driver’s license, I knew that the client was probably under 16. I assured the grandmother that we certainly accept school identification, as well. I made the appointment for the following day.

                The grandmother and grandfather followed behind the young girl last Thursday morning. Our receptionist greeted them warmly and received the school ID from the girl’s hands: a junior high’s school ID.

12 years old

                The client advocate took a deep breath and called the preteen into the first counseling room. The girl offered little to the conversation. She merely answered the questions asked of her. She was indeed 12 years old. The father of her baby was 16 years old-a sophomore in high school. They had only been dating for 3 months. For the small window of time, the couple was actively trying to get pregnant. They talked about it, and they both agreed. They wanted a baby, if for no other reason but that it might be fun to have one. When asked about the boyfriend, the client admitted that she didn’t want a future with him. He was just her “right now”.

                Her parents both lived out of the country. Apparently she’s been without them for many years, because she calls her grandparents “mom” and “dad”. Her own mother gave birth to her when she herself was just 14 years old. Though she was trying to have a baby, the young client went straight to her grandmother when she suspected a pregnancy, asking, “So what do I do now? Do I have an abortion?”

                She planned this pregnancy, yet she had no concept of actually carrying a baby for 9 months and then raising it for the next 18 years. She wanted to have a baby at 12 years old, but she wasn’t sure if she should have an abortion instead. She wanted to have sex and share that responsibility with someone, but she certainly didn’t want it long-term. When the client advocate asked about a relationship with God, the client said she was a Christian, but then also said that she didn’t think she would go to Heaven. She was a child by all definitions of the word.

The test read positive.

She’s 7 weeks pregnant.

                The client, slowly starting to grasp the reality she created, chose LIFE. She is scheduled and confirmed for an ultrasound: a child looking at her own child.

“Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, ‘Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children.’”

Luke18:16

                Jesus calls for the children. He calls for this confused 12 year old. He knows her by name. He holds her close to Himself. He will use a childish decision to pull this child’s heart to His own. Even a twelve year old’s pregnancy is forgiveable and redeemable, because God’s grace forever stretches beyond the choices of man.

The Positive and Negative Story

Over 80% of all pregnancy tests at The Community Pregnancy Center read “positive”. Over 80% of the time, fears are realized by two distinct, purple lines on a pregnancy test. In one day, however, two abortion-minded women waited. Two talked with separate counselors. Two shared their reasons for an abortion. Two impatiently waited for the test to read, but only one walked out with a negative test.

                The first woman arrived in the morning. Our client advocate called the young woman in the counseling room. They sat and ran through the necessary questions. She was 23 years old, a mom to a 3 year old child and an 18 month old child. The father of these children, the father of the possible pregnancy now, was no longer in the client’s life. They dated for years, but the woman quietly refused to explain their current separation. She only confessed that she hated him.

                She just knew that she was pregnant, so she called an abortion clinic earlier in the week. She learned the price of her procedure. She learned what paperwork needed to be done. She just couldn’t make the appointment. She claimed that she didn’t yet know how to work the continual visits and check-ups into her schedule, but something stopped her from making that appointment. Someone stopped her.

“I don’t want an abortion, but I certainly don’t want this baby.”

                When asked about Christ, the woman said that she considered herself a Christian. The client advocate asked her about a relationship, but received only, “Umm, I talk to him sometimes?” It wasn’t that she was saying the wrong answer. It was that she didn’t know what a relationship with God was. The client advocate seized the open opportunity and explained how to have an actual, real-life relationship with God. It’s immensely more than a repeating the same words every Saturday morning. It’s more than constant one-sentence prayers before bed. It’s a passionate love story between her and the King over all earthly powers. Her Creator is alive and has not stopped pursuing her since she was first designed. He sent His own perfect, beloved Son to a ruthless death, because that was the price for a relationship with His creation. She was worth it.

She took the pregnancy test.

                The second woman arrived later in the day, around 4 o’clock in the afternoon. She walked into the entry room without a boyfriend or a mother, just signed in and sat down. She seemed calm, ready in a way. Our new afternoon client advocate called her name and led her into the first counseling room. She, too, asked the same typical questions. Similar to the woman in the morning, this client was a mom of two. Her oldest child was 15 years old and her second was 12. Our client, however, was 30, meaning that she gave birth when she herself was just 15 years old. She was no stranger to an unplanned pregnancy.

                She’s no longer with her boyfriend, and he’s not even remotely an option for her future. Baby or no baby, she was alone. She didn’t understand abstinence, nor did it seem appealing. She’s currently unemployed and living with her father, along with her two junior high kids.

“I want an abortion. I just can’t start all over.”

            When asked about Christ, she, too, claimed that she was a Christian. The client advocate started talking about a relationship, and the client stopped her: “It’s just hard for me to believe in a relationship with God.” Her mother died. The traumatic event of losing her parent scarred her in the most painful sense, in the most spiritual sense. A bad thing happened to a good person and apparently God said it was ok. The client advocate ached for the hardness in this heart. She carefully, sensitively shared who God truly is and what a relationship with Him means. He never looked down on earth as a puppet stage for which to play. He saw seeking souls. He hurt for hell-bound humanity. He intervened, though man rightfully deserved rejection. He built a bridge, though man himself built the barrier. The lost world, full of lost people, is fallen, so bad things will continue to happen to good men and women. Free will in the hands of fallen people is unpredictable, but God is still good. He is still in sovereign control. His grace is still MORE than any evil-even when it doesn’t make sense.

She took the pregnancy test.

The positive could only see negative. The negative could only see positive.

Two women wanting abortions.

Two tests.

Two results.

The first woman’s test read positive. The second woman’s test read negative.

The client’s ultrasound is scheduled and confirmed. God is working in both of these hearts, and His plans are GOOD, no matter what a pregnancy test reads.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray, I will listen.”

Jeremiah 29:11-12

The Forgiven's Story

                Due to client advocates’ vacations at The Community Pregnancy Center, the counseling rooms were supposed to be closed this Thursday. Only two staff members were even in the office. We were supposed to be open for scheduling alone, yet a distinct voice inside refused to quiet. I had to counsel on Thursday. Literal stacks of papers scattered atop my desk, but somehow, that was irrelevant. It was as if someone needed Thursday. Maybe God was setting aside that specific, closed time for a specific, closed person.

He was.

                Thursday morning, she sat in our waiting room alone. Her "General Information" seemed to reveal a positive environment for a baby. The client marked that she was twenty-five years old. She was a Christian. She was married and absolutely against abortion. She must have come to the pregnancy center, because she only needed a Proof of Pregnancy for her Medicaid Application. This wasn’t an unplanned pregnancy. This didn’t seem to be a crisis. And yes, this pregnancy wasn’t a crisis.

“I’ve had 4 abortions.”

The first when she was 16.

The second when she was 19.

The third when she was 22.

The fourth when she was 24.

                When she was just 16 years old, she discovered her first positive pregnancy test. Surely not. Surely it was a mistake. Surely this wasn’t right. She denied the reality for weeks, dreading the response. Not only did this pollute her own plans for her life, but this also affected her family. This affected her mom. The very thought sent her into a panic. Finally, she gained the courage to confess the fact. Her mother immediately drove her to an abortion-operating clinic and bought an abortion for her 16 year old daughter, who by this time was ten weeks pregnant.

                The others followed a similar pattern. Her mom bought the second abortion for her when she was 19, beginning her college career. She paid for the third and the fourth herself, barely able to pay the $600 base fee for each one. Each abortion scarred her body, and each abortion shattered her heart. She knew she was far along. She knew that baby already had a heartbeat, already had arms and legs.

Just before her fourth abortion, she wanted to back out. The weight of her past abortions fell unbearably onto every part of soul. She couldn’t do this one more time. She couldn’t do that to another baby. She couldn’t endure the physical pain or the tormenting guilt for yet another abortion. She told the doctor that she changed her mind, but it was too late. The second a client signs her name onto that last waiver at these clinics, she is bound to an abortion. The doctor already administered the first dose into her body, killing the developing baby.

Walking out of the abortion clinic that fourth time, she decided to never walk into their doors again. Last year, her and her husband welcomed a son. Thursday, she sat before me desperately hoping for another positive test.

When she finished her story, I took a deep breath and reminded this haunted Christian whose she is. I shared the only Hope able to withstand such fortified, unmoved guilt, the only One able to wholly forgive. That’s why she’s been searching. That’s what she was so desperately hoping for. It was never about a test. It was never about another baby.

God opened the counseling room Thursday to assure His daughter that she is forgiven.

                Nothing-no thought, no word, no action-on this fallen earth could ever reach beyond the righteous blood of the Son of God. Nothing-not one, two, three, four, or fifteen abortions-could ever be unredeemable. This ashamed woman is loved, wanted, pursued every day of her life, and even more—she is forgiven by the King of Kings. Her entire countenance changed. The Lord God filled the room, and seemed to relax this pleading woman into His peace. We prayed together, accepting every wave of grace.

She left joyful. She left free.

She left finally forgiven.

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”

Romans 8:1-2